The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize