The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize