I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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