i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
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Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
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I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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