the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
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I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
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I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
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