omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
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I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
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you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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