Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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