Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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