I accidentally burped into my bong.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
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Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
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You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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