my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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