im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
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i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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