I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
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Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
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