I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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