My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
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I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
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alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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