Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Randomize