I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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