Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
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I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
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Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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