If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
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Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It's rum buckets o'clock
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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