There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
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Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
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Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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