I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
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