This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Ketchup is God's man juice
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
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I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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