I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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