I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
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His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
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Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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