Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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