my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize