Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
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i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
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There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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