It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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