If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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