genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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