Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
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I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
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Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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