He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
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I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
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I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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