I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
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Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
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Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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