Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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