I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
try to milk me bitch
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