you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
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He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
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I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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