I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
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You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
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wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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