You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
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I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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