The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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