my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
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If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
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He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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