Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I can't turn off my feet"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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