i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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