i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
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my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
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I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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