I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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