So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
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you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
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Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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