Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You're like the curious george of whores
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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