Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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