final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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