so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
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I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
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I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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