Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
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Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
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I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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