My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
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After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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